


The Way to a Man's Heart Goes Through His... Cat?

by Frywen



Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern: Still Have Powers, Cat Roach (The Witcher), Cat sitter Jaskier, Cirilla Fiona Elen Riannon Ships It, College Student Jaskier | Dandelion, Drinking, Geralt is a Crazy Cat Lady, Geralt z Rivii and Yennefer z Vengerbergu are Cirilla Fiona Elen Riannon's Parents, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia is Still a Witcher, Good Parent Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Good Parent Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Secret Identity, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers, Tags May Change, and so am i
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:48:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27226801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frywen/pseuds/Frywen
Summary: He checks the notes from the owner again from his phone.< Use what you need in the kitchen. Clean sheets on the bed. No guests, second floor off-limits. >< Roach hates people >He could deal with cats who hate people. Animals love him, he just has to be patient and offer peace and love. And food. Food is very important.ORJaskier is a live-in cat sitter and Roach is the biggest and meanest cat he has ever met. Just what kind of owner does a cat like that have?
Relationships: Cirilla Fiona Elen Riannon & Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion, Jaskier | Dandelion & Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg
Comments: 96
Kudos: 385
Collections: Series





	1. DAY 1: Jaskier meets the biggest and meanest cat he's ever seen

**Author's Note:**

> I'm a crazy cat lady and this fic is mostly pure self-indulgent cat fluff. I just want Geralt to hug a cat okay? More plot in the upcoming chapters, no regular updating schedule, sorry <3

Jaskier looks at the house and checks he has the right number again before approaching. The house is nice, not as nice as some of the others he has been in, but a regular two-storey house in a nice neighbourhood. Nothing remarkable which makes the secrecy of the gig more baffling. 

Some people liked their privacy Jaskier guesses as he tries to spot a flowerpot without looking too suspicious. The flowers have almost wilted but Jaskier doesn't reserve them a second glance as he fishes out the spare key under the pot. 

He checks the notes from the owner again from his phone.

<Use what you need in the kitchen. Clean sheets on the bed. No guests, second floor off-limits.>

<Roach hates people>

He could deal with cats who hate people. Animals love him, he just has to be patient and offer peace and love. And food. Food is very important. 

He opens the door carefully, not sure if Roach is the type of a cat to try to squeeze her way to freedom every chance possible. He slips through, his bag in front of his leg to protect his pants in an event of a clawed attacker but, to his relief, there is no cat in sight. 

He leaves his shoes and bag at the entryway and makes his way to inspect the house. The ground floor consists mostly of an open plan kitchen and living room, the backdoor in the kitchen leading into a small yard. 

The living room looks like it's from a magazine, only the small decorative items usually on display are stuffed haphazardly in a cabinet, and by the looks of it, forgotten there. But what draws Jaskier's attention isn't the fine furniture. No, it's the gigantic cat tree in front of the window facing to the street. Jaskier eyes the cat tree warily. Either the owner is very enthusiastic about their cat (Jaskier has seen those, usually ladies in their middle ages or older) or the cat is a giant. No normal cat requires a cat tree that large. 

He ventures further into the house, phone in hand and selects his best friends number.

"Hi, Essi, it's me. I arrived safely, there are no axe murders in sight. Yet."

"One of the days there will be and then I can tell you I told you so," Essi's voice is amused despite her admonishing words but she turns serious as Jaskier walks up the stairs, trying to find the bedroom, "You need to call me every day. If you won't I'll come storming over with Priscilla and that won't end pretty." 

"Yeah, yeah, Little Eye. I got this, don't worry." The first floor seems as devoid of a cat as the ground floor. There are three doors Jaskier guesses lead to two bedrooms and a bathroom. All doors are ajar so he peeks through the first. A study. A boring one at that. Bookshelves line all the walls, and two decent sized monitors sit on the desk. No laptop. 

It doesn't surprise him, the owner said he had to leave for work for at least two months. But why did it have to be so boring? 

He glances at the bookshelves expecting to find more boring stuff. 

What he finds are two enormous golden eyes staring down at him.

He would deny shrieking like a little child to his dying day.

"Jaskier?! Julek?! Are you okay?! What is it?" Essi screams at him.

"Fuck, fuck, cock, bloody Melitele, fuck, that is the biggest fucking cat I have ever seen, is that even a fucking cat, what the fuck?" 

"Jaskier what the fuck? You can't just scare me like that, what the fuck are you talking about?" 

"That thing is not a cat. No cat is that big. Nope. Exotic pets weren't in the deal I'm not having this, no." 

The long-haired tabby stares at him and waves it's tail in irritation, hitting it against the bookshelf with a series of thuds. 

"Um, yeah... goooood kitty, I'll just... go..." Jaskier runs from the room all while listening to the wheezing laughter of Essi from the other end of the line. 

"Are you sure it's not a Maine Coon or something?" Essi laughs.

"Do you think I haven't seen Maine Coons? That cat is a monster!" Jaskier hisses while keeping a keen eye on the door of the study. 

"You know for a fact there are monsters in the world and you're scared of a little cat? Sure, catboy. Have fun with your monster cat." 

The cat (Roach, Jaskier's brain helpfully supplies) walks out of the study and stares at him unimpressed. Now, on a reasonable height, it clearly is just a very large cat. Sure, it's by far the biggest cat Jaskier has ever seen, but a normal longhaired cat none the less. 

"Please, don't tell Pricilla about this," Jaskier beggs as he eyes the cat and blinks slowly in hopes of gaining the enormous cat's trust. 

"Yeah, of course, I won't, why would I do that?"

"You're telling her as soon as this call ends aren't you?" 

"Oh, don't worry about it, I already texted her," Essi mocks him gleefully. 

"Traitor!" Jaskier hisses.

"Love you too! Call me tomorrow!"

"I will," Jaskier admits defeated, "bye."

He stuffs his phone in his pocket and looks at Roach, "I guess it's just you and me then, girl." 

Roach screams at him. 

"Umm, yeah, you're going to have to be a bit more specific than that." 

Roach screams again. 

"You could meow like a normal cat, you know?"

Jaskier has never seen a cat look as unimpressed with him as Roach is at the moment. She gives him a wide berth as she heads for the stairs to the second floor. And screams.

"Sorry, that's off-limits for me, you're on your own." Roach looks him up and down before she heads upstairs. He can hear her digging around and meowing pitifully. Something crashes to the floor. 

Still, off-limits, he reminds himself and turns to investigate the rest of the house. Bathroom, bedroom. Both void of any personal belongings. 

It's all fairly boring, all personality stripped, no pictures in sight. There's a sort of detachment to the whole thing Jaskier finds unsettling. 

He steps to the back yard, making sure that firstly the door is unlocked and secondly Roach is nowhere in sight. He looks up after closing the door and blinks in surprise. 

The whole yard is one giant catio, reaching all the way to the first-floor windows. The windows are connected with planks, leading to a wooden ladder. In the yard is a small vegetable garden and a shack Jaskier guesses contain the gardening tools. 

"Well then... I guess I don't have to worry about leaving the back door open." He eyes the garden again and makes a vow to try to remember water the vegetables. He's not sure he'll succeed. 

By dinnertime, Jaskier has settled down, unpacked his belongings in the bedroom and claimed a space on the desk in the study. He's putting his shopping away in the fridge (where all he found was cheap beer and snacks clearly meant for a child, thanks for the hospitality) when a demanding meow sounds from the other side of the kitchen. 

"Oh, hello Roach. Is it time for your dinner?"

Another meow. 

Roach walks in front of a cabinet and screams, as demanding as before. 

"Is that where your food is? I'll be right with you, sweetie, just wait a moment..." 

Another scream. 

"Yeah, yeah..." Jaskier mutters as he tries to find some logic to where everything is in the kitchen. Like it was organised by some crazy witch who never cooked other than their evil potions. 

A loud metallic bang makes Jaskier jump in the air and hit his head on a cabinet door. 

"Roach?! What the fuck was that?" He looks at the cat who sits next to her empty bowl which sits upside down on the floor, a good half a metre from her tray. 

Meow. 

"Yeah, okay, food! You'll eat me soon if I don't feed you..." he mumbles and goes digging the cabinet Roach pointed to him.

Roach trills and screams and attacks the cup as soon as Jaskier puts it on the floor. Roach doesn't eat, she just keeps her head in her bowl and stares at Jaskier, a low growl rising from her throat. 

"Right, of course, I can't watch you eat. Don't worry, I don't want to steal your food." Jaskier takes a step back. Roach eyes him warily, but apparently, he's far enough she starts to eat her food, selecting carefully the tastiest bits first. 

Jaskier digs his phone from his pocket and snaps a selfie of himself, Roach happily munching away in the background. Or so he thought, as soon as he looks at the picture more closely he can see the cat staring at him like it wants to eat him instead. 

He picks up the right conversation in WhatsApp and hits send before he turns back to Roach. 

"You know, you have to start to trust me soon, I have to brush you so you don't get tangles and mats in that gorgeous hair of yours."

Roach doesn't look impressed. 


	2. Days 6-7: Jaskier gets some unexpected messages and looks after house plants

Master of Music. 

Jaskier loves the sound of it. 

What he doesn't love is the half-empty document staring at him from his laptop screen. 

'Historical Facts, Recent Myths, Current Connections: The Witchers in Historical and Contemporary Music'

He has all of his research material on hand. He has read through it. Several times. But writing the actual research down isn't happening. 

Gods above how much he wishes he could just compose new songs and throw his brain out of the window. He doesn't even believe in any gods but if praying will help writing to happen he's willing to try.

Roach sits on top of the bookshelf, in one of her favourite places to... stare at him. And judge. Or maybe Jaskier feels like the cat is judging him. She hasn't warmed up to him during the first week at all, all she does is stare at him whatever he does but doesn't let him close enough to touch yet alone to brush. 

"You know, Roachie if you won't let me touch you soon your owner will have to shave you naked when he returns." 

Roach doesn't answer. 

Of course, she won't answer. He must be going bonkers. Maybe a walk will help. He doesn't hold high hopes, everything is going shite anyway, what good could one walk do?

He snaps a quick silly selfie of himself and Roach and sends it to Roach's owner, like every day. It doesn't take long for the mark to turn blue to note the message has been seen. No answer, but at this point, Jaskier is not surprised. There has been no answer in the previous days, why break the tradition now? Some people just aren't made for small talk and Jaskier isn't going to force it. Not that he'd want to see the man. No, that would be ridiculous. 

He gets lost in his thoughts, trying to figure out how to put together his thesis in some sort of coherent way as he walks to the nearby park. His phone buzzes in his pocket for a new message. He digs it out, not giving it much thought expecting to see a message from Essi or Pricilla. What he sees makes him almost drop his phone in his shock. 

Cat dad answered? And with a photo?

A honk makes him realise he's standing in the middle of the road like an idiot and he crosses to the other side to reach the park. Only it feels like he doesn't need to have a walk anymore, this is more excitement than he's had in the entire week. 

He opens the message. 

A selfie with a blonde girl and a man stare back at him. He feels like his heart will stop. 

"Essi?" Jaskier has to talk to someone. He knows he shouldn't, he promised absolute confidentiality. But he will burst if he doesn't talk about this to someone. He will absolutely without a doubt die. 

"What is it, Buttercup?" Essi drawls like she has all the time in the world. 

"Cat dad it insanely hot!" 

"Whaaat? He texted back?"

"Yes! He's off the wall hot? I can't deal with this! How am I supposed to just sit working on his desk knowing what the man looks like? He will haunt my dreams, Essi!"

"Well, spill the tea! What does he look like?" 

"You know I can't tell you, just know he's the hottest dude I have ever seen, okay? I can't deal with this. How am I supposed to write academic bullshite when his picture sits on my phone and I could just... look at it whenever I want to? 

"Jaskier, for fucks sake. Your thesis is already a year late. You have been promised a place in the doctoral programme. If you keep sitting on your arse with this, instead of being the brightest student at the Uni, you will fail, understand? Get your shite together and stop falling in love with every person you happen to see."

"But, Essiiii... He's really hot!"

"I know, darling. Just keep it in your pants until you've finished with your thesis. Then I give you my permission to go chase the hot cat daddy."

"Melitele forbid, Essi, you're no fun. I wasn't going to chase him! I don't even know where he is. I just can't get over the hotness, okay?"

"Mm hmm, I know you too well. Get back to work or do I need to remind you why you took up pet sitting?" 

"No. I'm sorry. I'll take a small walk and then get right back to writing, I promise."

Jaskier does not get back to writing. 

He stares at the picture in his phone trying to figure out how a gorgeous man like that could have such an impersonal home. The man has his hair tied back in a messy bun, revealing an undercut which tells the milky white locks are natural. Jaskier didn't know he had a thing for blonds, but he sure as hell does now. 

The girl's young, maybe around ten years old, Jaskier isn't sure. Kids aren't exactly his forte, all of his friends are still firmly stuck in their studies instead of having families of their own. 

The picture had been taken by the girl, the grin wide on her face suggesting taking it had been her idea. But the soft smile the man has as he looks at the girl is melting Jaskier's heart. 

If only someone would look at him like that he could die happy. 

A crash from upstairs startles him enough to put down his phone and look at the time. Jaskier tries and fails not to fall into despair. He has wasted another day, not a single word written and how he wishes he could just throw up all of his ideas into coherent text but it is not happening. 

He closes his laptop. It's no use. Going like this he'll never graduate. 

Roach stares at him from the door, covered in dust and... definitely more dust. 

"I'm a mess, aren't I, Roachie?" 

Roach doesn't answer. Instead, she screams and runs downstairs, expecting him to follow like a good servant. His phone buzzes for a new message and Jaskier taps it open. 

<Water the plants. Remember to brush the cactus.>

Remember to what the what now? He stares at the message, trying (and failing) to ignore the image above it. 

"What the fuck?" he mutters to himself as he makes his way downstairs to stare at the house plants he has given no thought at all up to this point. On the windowsill in the kitchen is a lone cactus, right next to where Roach likes to sit and look to the yard. A cactus completely covered in cat hair and Roach is happy to provide how that particular thing happened. She jumps next to the plant and rubs her head against it, leaving even more hair on the spines. 

"Brush the cactus. Okay then..." 

<How do I brush a cactus?>

<What the fuck Jask?>

Jaskier snaps a picture of the cactus and sends it to the group chat with Essi and Pricilla. 

<How do I get rid of the hair???>

He gets no response. ... appears on the screen several times before crying laughing emojis fill the screen. 

<Thanks a bunch -.- >

He goes to dig through the cabinet where he found cat things and discovers a comb. 

"That'll have to do," he sighs and gets to combing the cactus, careful not to harm it. In the end, the cactus comes unharmed from the endeavour but unfortunately, Jaskier doesn't. His palm is adorned with spines he spends a good five minutes plucking out with tweezers. 

<If i die bc of a cactus related infection I'm blaming you>

<omg what did you do>

<Squeezed a ball of hair in my hand but it was filled with spines from the cactus>

<lmao>

<lmao???? I'm suffering and you're laughing??? Essi, Pris is being horrible>

<it is only what you deserve>

<OMG rude!>

<kissy face emoji>

Jaskier looks up from his phone when he hears water splashing. He doesn't even want to know what toy the cat has decided to drown now but if he doesn't hurry the whole kitchen will be filled with water. 

Roach is happily playing with a toy mouse dunking it in her water bowl and tossing it around, spreading water everywhere. 

"Roach, please? Could you just... not do that?" Jaskier begs as he fishes the mouse out of the water bowl and puts it to dry in a cabinet. "This may come as a surprise to you but I do not enjoy mopping the floors after you." He complains as he dutifully takes kitchen towels and dries the kitchen. At least it's better than the time Roach tucked the entire kitchen rug in the water bowl while he was out. 

"You are a menace," Jaskier tells Roach after he has cleaned up everything. Roach meows. 

Jaskier feels like he has barely fallen asleep when he wakes up. At first, he doesn't understand what woke him, but another yowl has him wide awake. What has him jumping out of the bed and run is the sound of pumping, like someone was trying to unclog a toilet. 

"Roach you bastard, where are you? Please don't throw up on a carpet!!" Jaskier tries to find the cat based on the noise, stumbling in the dark. To his horror, the noise is coming from the second floor, where he was absolutely forbidden to go. 

"Roaaaaach...!" he whines and makes his way up the stairs. 

The view that awaits him when he flips the light on is totally unexpected. It is so unexpected Jaskier has to pinch himself to believe he's actually standing in a real room. 

It is, and really the only way to describe it is every little girl's dream room. The room spans the entire second floor, ceiling low on the sides showing it was renovated from an attic, pinks, purples and blues adorning the furnishing. 

And right on the middle of the white rug is the vomit. 

"Fuck." 

Jaskier collects the rug and carries it in the bathroom and spends an ungodly amount of time washing it, hoping against all the odds, the stain would leave. 

It doesn't. 

Come morning and Jaskier is sure it's all been a weird dream. Unfortunately for him, the stained rug awaits him in the bathroom when he goes to brush his teeth and he groans in frustration. 

Roach meows at the closed door and scratches it until he lets her in so she can stare at him. Jaskier sighs and snaps a quick selfie, hair mussed and toothbrush still in his mouth and sends it. No need to prolong it, now he can hopefully focus on writing. 

He's drinking his third cup of tea when his phone buzzes for a new message.

<Roach's hair is as messy as yours>

Jaskier stares at the message, sent from an unknown number. 

<Who is this?>

<Youre looking after daddys cat>

<You're the girl! From the picture!>  
<I'm Julian but you can call me Jaskier>  
<Wait you shouldn't text strange men does your dad know you've texted me?>

<You're not strange you just told me your name>  
<I'm bored daddy went out with grandpa and im left with uncle>  
<Hes no fun>  
<I'm Fiona>

<Hello Fiona, it's nice to meet you>

Jaskier doesn't know what else he's supposed to say. How does one talk with children? Just like normal people? Right? 

Wait!

Jaskier comes to a sudden realisation; now he has the perfect opportunity to ask cheat codes for Roach to get the cat to, well maybe not like him but to tolerate him. 

<How do I brush Roach? She doesn't let me near her>

The screen fills with laughing emojis earning a sigh from Jaskier. No help then. 

<Give her cheese>  
<Shes crazy about it but only gets it after shes brushed>

Of course, why hasn't he thought to give the cat cheese? Maybe because it doesn't make any sense. Who gives cat cheese when there are perfectly good cat treats available?

Nothing else about this makes any sense either and since writing isn't happening nor is Fiona texting anything else he makes his way to the fridge and digs out a block of cheese and cuts a piece. 

Roach runs at him screaming. She thrills and screams and rubs herself against the drawer where all of her brushes are. 

Roach doesn't purr when he combs through her fur, but feeding her bits of cheese every time she gets too annoyed helps and like a miracle Jaskier manages to brush a cat-sized pile of loose fur to show for his efforts. He gives Roach the last piece when he has finished and tries to pet her, but she sprints away from him with an annoyed meow. 

Maybe Roach doesn't hate him as much as he thought after all. 


	3. DAY 16-17: Jaskier discovers new things about Roach and gets a visitor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is not betaed or edited, I just write this to destress. Please point out glaringly obvious mistakes. I hope you enjoy <3

As much as Jaskier adores the fact Roach seems to warm up to him, there's one thing he can't stand. 

<I think the cat is planning to kill me>

<why>

Jaskier snaps a picture where all that's visible are glowing eyes in the dark, staring down at him and sends it. 

<She keeps staring at me>  
<And tries to sleep on my face>  
<And licks my hair!>  
<She won't let me drive her away>  
<help>

<Maybe she secretly likes you>

<Then why won't she let me touch her?>  
<I have to hide under my blanket so she won't eat my hair>

<yeah, i'm with Essi, you're on your own>

<think of it as a free haircut>

<Firstly eww>  
<Secondly how can you be so cruel>  
<Have you no mercy for my luscious locks???>

<absolutely none>

<screaming emoji>   
<you are horrible friends>

<good night Jaskier try not to die>

<good dying>

<when you don't hear about me in the morning you will regret those were your last words to me>

<your thesis supervisor will drag you back from the grave to finish your thesis>

<don't remind me I'm trying to sleep!!!>

<sleep tight don't let the type errors bite>

<I hate both of you>

<kissy face emojis>

<zzz>

The morning routine is something Jaskier has learned to both love and hate. His alarm rings at 8 like every morning and like possessed Roach jumps on top of him and screams. 

"Mmmm yeah, I'm awake, Roach..." Jaskier mumbles and tries to sleep just one more minute. Roach is having none of it. She runs over him, to the door and screams bloody murder and jumps on top of him again. 

"Please... Roach... just two... minutes..." Jaskier tries to bury his head under the blankets but Roach walks on top of him and screams again. 

"Ugh... you're heavy... Okay, okay, I'm getting up. See Roach, I'm getting up..." 

He walks downstairs to feed Roach who keeps screaming and thrilling until her bowl is full and walks back up to brush his teeth. 

Roach doesn't take long until she demands to be let in the bathroom, scratching and meowing making her demands known. 

"One of these mornings I will get to brush my teeth in peace," Jaskier sighs as Roach curls herself into the sink. This is not one of those mornings. 

He checks his phone over morning coffee and is surprised to find a message from Fiona so early. 

<Help me out>

<Sure, swallow. What do you need?>

Fiona sends him a picture of her math assignment. 

<What is it you're having trouble with?>

<I don't understand anything.>  
<I asked uncle L but he was no help.>  
<I usually ask uncle E but he's not here>  
<What do i do?>

Jaskier looks at the math over and starts to explain it in detail. It's somehow endearing how much trust Fiona puts in him and he does not want to ruin it for her. Not that third-grade mathematics is hard, he suspects 'uncle L' just isn't that good at explaining things. 

He can't help but venture to reread a different conversation entirely while he waits for Fiona to finish. 

A picture of Cat Dad and Fiona. And actual texts after it. 

<how is roach>

<She's very fine! Quite vocal about what she wants but still lovely!>

<good>  
<let her outside>  
<she enjoys it>

And on another day:

<thank you for the pictures>

Then another selfie with Cat Dad and Fiona, this time taken by Cat Dad. He is very bad at taking selfies, but somehow even that is endearing, despite the man looking like he's a member of a biker gang with the beard and all of the black leather. When he got the first picture, he hadn't even noticed. He had been too distracted by... other things. Jaskier really shouldn't feel this giddy just looking at a picture. Just rereading the texts. But he can't help himself. 

<i like seeing roach happy>

The man is clearly crazy about his cat. And what's hotter than a person who loves their pets to the moon and back. Nothing, if you ask Jaskier. 

<I'm glad you like the pictures! Like I told you, I'll send one or two every day!>

<tell me before you run out of cat food>  
<i know a person at a pet store>  
<dont feed her too many treats>

<I won't, I promise>

What Jaskier doesn't tell is feeding the cat cheese every single day to get her brushed. Little treats never hurt anyone. 

Fiona sends him a picture of finished assignments. 

<Very good! You did it on your own, I'm very proud of you!>

<Thank you, MrJ!!>

Jaskier thinks he will melt. While being a tutor wasn't in his job description he doesn't really mind. To him, it's evident what Fiona wants most of all is company and support and he's happy to provide. The family she's staying with is trying their best, Jaskier is sure of it. But from what Jaskier gathers through Fiona's texts, they don't seem to have enough time to look through her school work as much as she wishes they would. 

How can two people he's never even met manage to occupy most of he's thoughts?

***

Jaskier has barely put the first forkful of instant ramen in his mouth when he hears the door open. 

"Geralt, it's me!" 

Jaskier scrambles to meet whoever just walked through the _locked door using their own key, what the fuck_.

"H-hello...?" he manages to greet through a mouth full of food before he even sees who it is. 

Jaskier is not one to be intimidated nor is he one to be at loss for words. 

Somehow, the woman in front of him manages to do both. She's gorgeous, her raven hair falling in curls over her shoulders, violet eyes staring straight at him like he's a piece of cheap meat and suddenly Jaskier is keenly aware of wearing nothing but pants and an undershirt, his hair a ruffled mess, hands covered in ink, pencil and pen marks. 

"You're one of those... trainees. Melitele forbid, what sort of trash does Geralt drag in here, why aren't you with the old wolf?" 

Jaskier opens his mouth to answer but is immediately interrupted. 

"No, don't answer that. Where is Geralt, I need to talk to him." 

"I... um..." Jaskier gets the feeling this is a person who gets what she wants. She quirks an eyebrow at him expecting an answer and when none come she sighs, a dramatic gesture Jaskier is not sure he could perform better even if he tried. 

"Where. Is. Geralt?" she asks like he's an idiot and Jaskier things at this moment he really is. 

"He, um... is not here?" Jaskier tries his best. He does. But something about the woman, no matter how beautiful she is, radiates power, like she could crush him without even blinking an eye. 

The woman eyes him, up and down and glances behind him to the kitchen. And smiles. It's a small amused quirk of her lips, one that makes Jaskier spin around immediately only to spot Roach sitting on top of his papers, meticulously dropping every single pen to the floor. 

"Roach, no!" 

Roach meows and jumps down from the table with a mrrrp. She trots to the woman and rubs herself against her legs before she jumps up to her scratching post to stare at them. 

Jaskier kneels to collect his pens, muttering curses under his breath. 

"You know Roach." 

"Um, yeah?" Jaskier mutters as he crawls deeper under the table to reach the pens. 

"Soooo, witchers, huh? Interesting topic of research." 

Jaskier hits his head on the table. 

"Yeah... yeah I. I know it's not the most conventional one but I do find it quite fascinating especially when you look at all of the historical songs..." Jaskier crawls from underneath the table and is met with the woman standing next to him and suddenly he's keenly aware of being in his underwear on his knees on the floor in front of one of the most beautiful women he's ever seen. 

He blushes. 

He's sure he's never blushed as much as he is right at this moment and he honestly wishes the ground would open up and swallow him whole. 

"You're not one of the trainees," the woman says eyeing him, amusement still lingering on her lips. 

"No, I'm not," Jaskier admits and tries to get to his feet in a somewhat dignified way. He fails and all of his pens scatter to the floor again. "Fuck..." 

"And who are you then?" 

"I'm the cat-sitter. Julian." Jaskier gives himself a mental slap. He is an adult person why does he introduce himself like a toddler? "Can I please go put my trousers on?" he pleads. Maybe clothed he'll have a chance to be on equal grounds with the woman. 

"Sure." 

A few minutes later he comes back down, fully clothed this time, to find the woman sitting by the table and reading his scribbles. 

"Um, hello?" Jaskier greets the woman again. She looks up but does nothing to stand up to greet him in return. "Julian Pancratz, the cat-sitter." Jaskier extends his hand to her and she takes it. 

"I'm Yen. Geralt is my-... we're... friends. Now, where has that grumpy bastard gone?" The woman - Yen answers and looks at him expecting an answer immediately. 

"I honestly don't know, he only told me it's work-related. I've never even met him. I was recommended by a friend of his who is also a client of mine. He occasionally answers the texts I send him, maybe you could try to reach him by phone?" 

"He answers your texts? What did you do, enchant him?" Yen sounds honestly baffled and it makes Jaskier feel bad. She obviously has some sort of history with the Cat Dad so the least he could do is answer her. 

"He only answers every now and then. I don't think it was even his idea to reply." 

Yen smiles, a true smile this time, not just an amused quirk of lips, "You're probably right." She picks up one of the papers again and taps it, "Ever met a real witcher?" 

"No, I haven't. I've just always found the stories interesting... I have plans for real research for my doctoral thesis as soon as I manage to finish my master's degree, I just need to get around to figuring out... well pretty much everything outside of the basic structure. I already know all of the material by heart, it's just... just look at this, how can someone write something so vile about people who work to keep us safe from monsters? And this here..." Jaskier rummages through the piles of papers and pushes the ones he meant on Yen's hands, not waiting for her to answer. "And look, I even came up with this account of someone killing a witcher after he had finished a job for them, just the audacity of it all!" He glances up at Yen, suddenly keenly aware he is probably either boring her or making her uncomfortable with all of this talk about monsters and monster hunters. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't bore you with this..." He reaches to take the papers from Yen's hands but she holds them out of his reach. 

"No, you're not boring me at all. Please, tell me more about your current paper?" 

Yen proves to be a far better company than Jaskier first thought. At the end of their discussion and a few cups of tea later, Yen turns the conversation back to him. 

"Why do you live here? Wouldn't it be easier to write in your own place?" 

"Oh, you know, roommates..." Jaskier mumbles, avoiding Yen's eyes. No way in hell is he going to tell a complete stranger he sleeps in his friends' sofas and in the musicology society's guild room at the uni when he can't find anyone to room him between jobs. His parents already think him a failure, no need to add a complete stranger to the mix. 

"Hmm," Yen agrees and stands up. "I feel I have held you long enough. Good luck with your thesis. Here is my number, call me if you get into any trouble while you're staying here." Yen scribbles a phone number on the edge of one paper with a bright red pen she picks up from the floor. 

"Um... what trouble?" Jaskier asks, suddenly wary. "I have only told one person the address like was the deal? I haven't told them anything else, I'm not in danger, right? This isn't some mob bosses hideout or something? I'm in trouble, aren't I? Melitele's tits, Essi will kill me..."

"Calm down, no trouble. Just... if anything comes up, like bills or something and you can't reach Geralt. He can be unreachable for days." Yen smiles at him, an uneasy smile, not quite reaching her eyes. 

"Oh, okay, yeah, that's. That's good..." Jaskier feels so stupid. Not only has he managed to be half-naked while Yen walked in, but now he has also made a complete ass out of himself. 

"Take care of Roach," Yen says as a goodbye and walks out of the door. Jaskier rushes to say goodbye but when he reaches the door, she's already gone. 

Come night Jaskier is surprised how much he has managed to work on his thesis. Talking about it with someone made writing so much easier, even when most of the talk was him ranting about the unfair treatment of witchers which will never end up in the final paper. 

He grabs something to eat before bed and spots Roach. She sits facing the front door, waiting for someone to walk through it. 

It breaks Jaskier's heart. 

Roach has done it every night, giving up only after Jaskier has gone to bed to crawl on the other side of the bed to stare at him. 

Jaskier snaps a picture of Roach and sends it despite the late hour. 

<Roach misses you>

Jaskier doesn't expect an answer. 

<tell her im sorry and i love her>

That. That is too cute. Jaskier can't handle it, he just can't. 

"Roach, your owner is a big old sap and he wanted me to tell you he's sorry and he loves you, okay?" Jaskier tells her from a respectable distance away. Roach looks at him and meows pitifully. 

"I know, girl. I'm sure he misses you as much as you miss him. Come on now, I'm going to bed, you can come and stare at me until I fall asleep."


	4. Day 33: Roach gets angry at Jaskier and Jaskier makes an unfortunate(?) phone call

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for my Discord friends who encouraged me to finish this chapter <3
> 
> The song Jaskier sings is Lost on You by LP, I can't write songs or poetry to save my life.

"Why do you seem so gloomy, I thought your thesis was going well?" Essi asks him. 

"It's about cat daddy, isn't it?" Pricilla asks and drowns her second glass of wine. 

"No! No, of course not. Roach got the zoomies at four am and I couldn't fall asleep afterwards." Jaskier lies. Well, technically it isn't a lie. Roach did, in fact, get zoomies in the middle of the night but his gloominess has nothing to do with being tired. 

"Trouble in paradise then?" Pricilla winks at him. 

"There is no paradise!" Jaskier cries out and throws his hands in the air in frustration. Friends, he laments. Can't live with them and can't live without them. 

"So it is about cat daddy," Essi concludes and pats his hand. "I'm sorry for teasing you. Please tell us what is it?" 

"I... I don't know?" It's definitely the alcohol talking, Jaskier decides as he sinks further into the couch he has spent countless of nights sleeping in. No way he would talk about his stupid crush sober. "I keep thinking about him and dreaming about him and I haven't even talked to him in person!"

"I'm sure you're not the only person who has managed to develop a massive crush on someone over texts." Pricilla tries to comfort him but the huge grin on her face diminishes the effect. 

"I do not have a crush," Jaskier says, like the liar he is. 

"Liar, liar, pants on fire!" Essi sings and laughs. 

"What are you, five?" Jaskier scoffs.

"Yes, that's exactly how old I am." 

"You're impossible. Both of you!" Jaskier points at his best friends in mock offence, trying not to laugh. 

"And yet, you still love us!" Pricilla winks at him. Jaskier rolls his eyes. 

"I will love you if you pour me another glass of that wine and stop talking." Jaskier waves his empty glass at Pricilla, who fills it with all the possible flourish of an experienced bartender. 

"You know she won't shut up," Essi says and waves her glass at Pricilla as well. "Although, _I_ might shut up if you play me something?" she gives him a sweet smile and he groans, throwing his head back. 

"Please, Essi... You know I haven't had time to practice in forever..."

"So this is an as good time as any to pick up your guitar again," Pricilla says and hops up from her chair, only slightly wobbly on her feet. "Oh, shit, I think all of the bubbles went straight into my head as soon as I stood up!" she giggles and disappears into a walk-in closet. 

"Are you sure that closet doesn't lead straight into Narnia?" Jaskier grumbles without any heat as he hears Pricilla dig around. He's well aware the closet is as full as it is because it's mostly filled with his stuff. 

"Oh, imagine all of the storage we had if it did..." Essi sighs wistfully and drains the rest of her glass. "Oh!" she exclaims and sits up straight, "Do you think sorcerers have portals in their closets? Can you imagine how neat that would be?!"

"Oooh, that's why the bastards can afford to live in such fancy places, they can have an apartment the size of a broom closet and store all of their stuff elsewhere!" Priscilla says as she emerges from the closet carrying a slightly battered guitar case.

Jaskier takes the guitar out and tunes it carefully, taking a sip of wine every now and then. 

Pricilla and Essi make themselves busy getting more snacks and wine out of their kitchen while waiting for him but he hardly notices their hushed whispers and giggles. The guitar feels so familiar in his hands as he runs his fingers along the varnished wood. 

_"When you get older, plainer, saner_  
_Will you remember all the danger_  
_We came from?_  
_Burning like embers, falling, tender_  
_Longing for the days of no surrender_  
_Years ago_  
_And will you know_

_So smoke 'em if you got 'em_  
_Cause it's going down_  
_All I ever wanted was you_  
_I'll never get to heaven_  
_Cause I don't know how_

_Let's raise a glass_  
_Or two_  
_To all the things I've lost on you_  
_Ho, ooh_  
_Tell me are they lost on you?_  
_Ooh, oh..."_

It's only 8 PM, Jaskier laments as he heads back home, definitely too much cheap bubbly wine in his system. 

But it was good, spending some time with his friends. To have a chance to talk about everything and just relax without any pressure to write or be productive. 

Jaskier opens the door only to find Roach right behind it, screaming at him as soon as she gets a sight of him. Jaskier barely manages to step inside before Roach is running to the kitchen, screaming all the while expecting him to follow.

"I'm not that fast, Roach!" Jaskier shouts after the cat, struggling to get his shoes off when everything in his vision seems to wave quite a bit, his steps still unsteady despite the walk back. 

Roach runs back to him and screams, vibrating her tail impatiently and runs back towards the kitchen, stopping to wait for him in the doorway. 

"I'm coming, Roach, you'll get your dinner, fuck..." Jaskier stumbles on his shoes and gets an unimpressed look from Roach, "it's not even that late, I never give you dinner this ea- fuck!" He steps on a cat toy and has to take support from the wall. 

Roach screams at him again and runs to the kitchen. 

"You're going to kill me, you know? Leaving your toys lying around like that..." Jaskier grumbles but follows the cat to the kitchen and digs food for her. 

Roach meows and thrills and vibrates her tail stretches against his leg, digging her nails through his jeans into his thigh.

"Ow, ow, ow! Roach! I promise you will not starve to death in thirty seconds, ow!"

Roach doesn't spare him another glance as soon as the food is in front of her. 

Nor does she after she has eaten despite her normal insistence of following him everywhere. 

One additional drink (one he's sure to regret come morning) Roach is still ignoring him, sitting on the kitchen window with her back on him when usually she sits at the backrest of the sofa or on the cat tree staring at him. Or she sits looking at the door, still visible from the living room, occasionally meowing pitifully. 

But today she bristles and runs away from him as soon as he tries to approach, making offended mews. 

Jaskier endures being ignored. For an hour (and a few more drinks).

"Roach is angry with me!" Jaskier wails at the phone, "She doesn't even acknowl... ackl... pay attention to me! Whatever shall I do? She's been ignoring me since I got home, I can't take this, I have failed! I'm a hor- horbible... horrible cat sitter. She will never forgive me... it wasn't even her dinner time yet, you know? And still, I'm slighted so terribly! This is a tragedy!"

"Hmm," a deep rumble from the other end of the line makes Jaskier's thoughts come to a screeching halt and he's quite certain he squeaks in shock. "Roach will forgive you in a couple of days." 

"Okay, yeah, that's... that's good?" Jaskier says feeling suddenly much more sober than the moment before. 

"Just don't do it again tomorrow and you'll be fine," the deep voice rumbles again. 

Jaskier is sure he will die. 

Of embarrassment or something else, he's not sure. But he. will. die. 

"I won't, I promise," Jaskier agrees, probably too fast but he doesn't care. Anything to make the gorgeous man on the other end of the phone to keep talking to him. 

"Hmm... she'll sulk in somewhere for tonight. Don't worry about it, she'll be back to pester you first thing in the morning."

Jaskier laughs despite himself. Or maybe it's the alcohol. 

"She's not pestering me, she's just very enthusiastic about getting her food on time." 

"That she is." The man falls silent for a moment too long for Jaskier to itch to start to babble some nonsense before he continues, "I hope she hasn't caused too much trouble for you. Or tried to bring dead birds inside to eat." 

"What? No! Also eww thank the gods not." Jaskier cringes at the mental image of dead birds inside the house. 

"That's good. She eats most of them in the yard." 

"Okay, I did not need to know that, the cat sleeps in the same bed with me and now you're telling me she eats birds outside? Double eww." 

The man has the audacity to laugh. Laugh! 

But Jaskier isn't going to complain, he has never heard something as delightful as the deep laugh from the other end of the line. 

He wants to hear it again. 

And again. 

"Um... any other useful tips to please the great beast?"

"Hmm... she likes to be scratched under the chin and behind the ears. But don't touch the base of her tail or she will bite you." 

"Duly noted." 

"Hmm... Don't feed her too many treats, you'll make her fuzzy."

"I would never- Fiona rattled on me, didn't she?" Jaskier sighs. 

The line turns quiet. 

"H-hello?" Jaskier looks at his phone but the line hasn't disconnected. 

"...You talked with Fiona?"

"She, uh, she texted me first? I've been helping her with her homework?" Jaskier babbles before his brain supplies him with the most important information, "Wait! She told me you gave her permission! Melitele's sake I would have never talked to her if I knew she was doing it behind your back I promise I have no ill intentions I've just helped her with school stuff I swear!"

"Hmm..." a grunt is the only sound Jaskier hears from the other end of the line. He holds his breath. If all comes to worst, he'll be out of work and out of the house tomorrow. 

"I'll talk to her. Thank you for helping her with her school, I'm... none of us is very good with that stuff. I guess she needed more help than I realised."

"Oh!" Jaskier tries to contain his surprise but he's not very successful, "No, you shouldn't thank me! Fiona has been nothing but the best student, she's very bright!"

"She is." There is another break at the end of the line and Jaskier is ready to lose his shit. "I'll talk to her about lying. You should sleep the alcohol off."

"I'm not drunk!" Jaskier exclaims offended and earns a laugh from cat dad. 

"You're wasted, I can hear it even on phone. Go to sleep, Julian."

"Um... right. I'll... I'll go to sleep, and and try not to get smothered to death by an angry cat," he stammers embarrassed. Hearing his name in that low gravel shouldn't make his heart feel like it'll burst out of his chest. "G-good night, Geralt."

"Good night, Julian."

He will die. He will surely die, of embarrassment or happiness or Roach deciding it's finally time to sleep on his face the whole night, he doesn't know. But he will surely die. 


	5. Days 39-43: Jaskier tries to do some gardening and thinks he's going to die

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is mention of small animal(s) probably dying, nothing graphic. Cats just be like that. 
> 
> Thank you @TinyThoughts for talking to me about this chapter <3

Days later Jaskier is still thoroughly embarrassed by accidentally calling Geralt while drunk. He is sure he had picked Essi's number but what is done is done. They haven't talked much after that. The next day Geralt inquired after Roach but since then it's been radio silence and it does not bother Jaskier at all. Geralt must just be busy, that's all. No other reason what so ever. 

<my mom comes to visit today!!!>  
<i missed her>  
<when i grow up i want to be just like her!>  
<i wish you could meet her she's so nice>  
<she yelled at daddy for not answering her>  
<oh no that was supposed to be a secret>

<i swear i won't tell a soul>

<that's good. daddy said i shouldn't lie to him any more but he wouldn't like if i told someone mom yelled at him>

<yeah, it's bad to lie to your parents>  
<but maybe little secrets like this are okay>  
<no more texting anyone without permission though!>

<yeah, i'm sorry I lied mrJ>  
  
<hows the trip going now? i hope you don't have to be alone today like yesterday>

<no, today i got to help uncle A with a new video!>  
<uncle A came here yesterday and he and uncle L were being gross>  
<they make the best videos>  
<but daddy is better than them>  
<daddy is the best>  
<even grandpa says so but he told me not to tell uncle L because he would get upset>

<that's very sensible off him>

<i helped making this video too!>

There's a link to a youtube video Jaskier clicks open without much thought. Except when he sees the channel he has to check to make sure he got it right. He knows this channel, he has watched almost every single video, including the one Fiona just sent him. 

_Camera zooms into a ginger headed man holding a sword, knee-deep in what looks like a natural pond._

_"Oi, did you see it?" the cameraman asks laughing so hard the camera shakes_

_"Of course, not, you bastard! You were holding me down while it swam past!"_

_"Do you know what it is?"_

_"Fucking drowners I bet." the ginger man grumbles and lets out a yell as a blue-skinned monster leaps out of water. "Oi, fuck you, put that camera down and come help me!"_

_"Eh, you're doing fine! Show me that arse!" the cameraman laughs and the camera shakes._

_"Fucking bitch ass cat!"_

_"I love you too!"_

_The camera moves to reveal a second blue-skinned monster closer, close enough to reach the camera._

_"Oi, cub, catch!"_

_The camera flies in the air and for a while nothing but sky and leaves are visible. The camera turns back to show the cameraman killing the monster with a sword, a spray of blood flying in the air._

_"Still struggling there, love?"_

_"I killed four while you were a prick killing only one! I'm not cooking for you tonight!"_

_"Oh, I'm wounded, how will I survive without the love of my life cooking for me?"_

_The ginger man gives the giggling cameraman the finger, a smile tugging at his lips._

Jaskier doesn't even glance at the comment section where the evergoing debate about the videos is going strong. In Jaskier's opinion it's stupid, no real witcher would post videos like this of their work. It's just two guys having too much time and energy in their hands making the videos look as realistic as possible, probably a combination of CGI and practical effects. 

He has to admit, he is slightly hooked. Kittencam69 has been making these videos for a couple of years and while this is no way his favourite video, it's clear it was important to Fiona to be a part of making it. 

His favourite videos are probably the ones where the ginger man yells from his window at werewolves. Or the one where they fight a wyvern, the effects of that one were truly gorgeous. 

Why would someone spend their talent on something like this is beyond him, but who is he to judge? He still can't believe how anyone thinks the monsters in the videos are real though. He's far more interested if the two men are really dating or if that's just their way of talking to each other. He's 95% certain they are dating. 

A text from Yen interrupts his thoughts. 

<I found a book for your paper>  
<I'll drop it in an hour>

<oh, thank you, that's very kind of you>

<shut up and accept the book>  
<you don't want your paper turning out shite>

This time around, when Yen comes, Jaskier is wearing trousers. 

"Here's your book," Yen greets him and tosses an old book on the kitchen table hard enough Jaskier has to leap to grab it before it slides off the table and drops on Roach who is of course right there. 

"Hello, nice to see you, why won't you come in and have some tea?" Jaskier says with a mocking voice and bows, pulling a chair out for her. 

"I see you haven't set the house on fire," Yen says as she sits down. 

"Please, I'm not that terrible of a cook!" Jaskier exclaims as he puts the kettle on. 

"Right, you were eating nothing but instant ramen last time I was here."

"That!" Jaskier points at Yen in mock outrage, "was one day! One unfortunate day I was a mess and you think I live like that?!"

"Of course, I'm never wrong." Yen smiles sharp and Jaskier can't help the cold shivers running down his back. 

"You're terrible, that's what you are..." he mumbles as he digs out mugs from the cabinet. "So what this book then?" Jaskier takes the book he'd put the cover down on the table and almost drops it. 'Fifty Years of Poetry' stares at him from the cover of the book. 

"Oh, just something I had lying around, you know," Yen drawls in what Jaskier is quite certain is mock indifference. He squints his eyes at her in suspicion. 

"So you're telling me you had one of the most sought after books in the academic world just 'lying around' and decided to give it to some random uni student?"

"Please, don't think I'm doing this for you." Yen waves him off, "You're an idiot."

"Why, thank you for the compliment, ma'am." Jaskier bows again. "Do you want the pink or the white mug?"

They settle down on the table, cups of tea and some biscuits Jaskier got after last time Yen visited. 

"I- ah- had some questions about Geralt." Jaskier admits shyly as he puts the 'Fifty Years of Poetry' safe away from the table. He wouldn't want to ruin a book that valuable by accidentally spilling something on it. 

"Hm, what did he do?"

"Oh, no nothing! It's nothing like that. I was just- maybe if you could- you don't have to of course-"

"Just spit it out, Julian," Yen interrupts him, sounding both put-out and bored, a feat Jaskier can only hope to master. 

"Maybeyouwouldknowifhe'sseeinganyoneorsomething..." Jaskier manages to mumble out, which makes Yen burst out laughing. 

"Oh, gods, I thought this was something serious, you had me for a moment there." Yen falls into a fit of giggles Jaskier is sure is aimed at him. Or perhaps at the thought of Geralt seeing anyone but the way Yen thrills at his discomfort tells him it's the former. 

Of course, the hot cat dad is not single, who is he even kidding. He should probably just think about the book he got. And his thesis. And definitely, not the hot cat dad whose bed he's been sleeping in for the past month. 

He is doomed. 

***

It's high time to do something about the vegetable garden. 

Or literally anything to avoid his thesis, if Jaskier is completely honest with himself. 

Roach is chasing something in the bushes and Jaskier is happier not knowing what unfortunate small animal will face its maker. He stares at the vegetable garden which at this point seems to be about 50-50 vegetables and weeds. At least the plants are alive. 

"I should have done this several times already, right, Roachie?" Jaskier asks the cat who emerges from the bushes covered in leaves and dirt. She gives him a wide berth and digs a hole at the other end of the patch. 

"I swear to gods, Roach, if I find cat poop when I'm weeding this thing you will not get out for a week, do you hear me?"

Roach does not listen to him. Of course, she doesn't. She covers the hole she made and runs back into the bushes. 

"That's disgusting, Roach. You have a perfectly fine litter box inside why would you do that to me?"

Roach doesn't answer. In fact, Jaskier is quite certain she's not listening to him at all, far more interested in whatever is the bushes. 

A large lock on the door of the shed stops his gardening endeavours quite efficiently. He tries in vain to find the key somewhere close by but has to give up after a while. 

"Okay, so if I were a key where would I be?" Jaskier rummages through the kitchen _and_ the living room, only finding a stash of cat toys under the sofa. 

"Oi, what are you so happy about? I know it was you who hid them there!" Jaskier cries at Roach who jumps in the middle of the pile startling him. 

His search leads him into the study, Roach hot on his heels. She jumps on top of the bookshelf and Jaskier finds himself marvelling yet again how effortless Roach makes the almost two and a half metre jump look like. 

"Hey, Roachie, came in to check what I'm up to?" Jaskier asks as he tries to open the top drawer of the desk. "Aaah, shite, why I never remember which side is locked..." he mumbles as he moves to the other end of the massive desk and opens the top drawer on that side. 

All he finds is stationary in an amazing array of boring and practical to colourful and silly. He suspects the likes of the pink glitter pens with pompoms at the top are the results of Fiona getting to decide what to get. 

He moves to the bookshelf next, more out of boredom than any real thought about finding the key. The books all look incredibly boring, ranging from computer science to physics and the sort. Nothing that would catch Jaskier's eye. 

He takes one book out in random and opens it to leaf it through if to do nothing else at least he gets to avoid writing his thesis. But what greets him in the pages makes him almost drop the book entirely. 

Monsters. 

Pages after pages about monsters. Detailed drawings, stories, myths, facts. Anything in between. 

Jaskier feels his fingers turn numb from the sheer shock. He looks at the bookshelf again and pulls another book, then another and another. 

Monsters. Potions. Magic. Elder races. It's all there. Jaskier can't even comprehend the sheer volume of knowledge that has been at his grasp for over a month without him knowing anything about it and it makes his head spin. He needs... he needs to read everything. 

The bling of his phone brings him back from his frantic search for more and more books. 

<mommy said she comes to see you>  
<she wants to see my new tutor>

Jaskier stares at his phone, panic rising in his throat. He's... well him? Not some sort of accomplished tutor Fiona's mother is surely expecting. 

<When is she coming?>

Just as he presses send he hears the front door open. 

"Julian? Are you here?" 

Oh shit. Oh. Shit. 

He's so screwed. 

<now>

"Yen? I'm upstairs, I'll be right there!" he shouts. He's so screwed. Yen, of all people, is Fiona's mother. 

She is going to kill him.

Another surge of panic hits him. He asked Yen if Geralt was single! She's his... wife? ex? An old flame? Whatever she is, _that_ is not someone to ask something like that. 

"Julian? What are you doing- oh! You found Geralt's books." 

"I'm sorry...!" Jaskier whispers, suddenly terrified of the woman in the doorway. "I didn't mean to snoop, I swear, I was only looking for a key to the shed to find some gardening tools, I never meant-!" 

Yen silences him with a dismissive gesture with her hand, "I don't care about the books. If he's stupid enough to leave them for you to find it's not my problem. What I came here for was to talk about Fiona. Care to offer me some tea?"

"Tea? Um, yeah sure... tea coming right away..." he feels like he avoided death. 

"Sooo, I'm finally face to face with the famous Mr J." Yen says when she has a steaming mug of tea in front of her. 

Jaskier slumps on a chair opposite of her and buries his face in his hands. 

"Please, don't murder me, I didn't know you were her mother..." he mumbles from between her fingers, wailing up in his misery almost far enough he doesn't hear Yen snort. 

"Please, I wouldn't murder you for that. For something else though..." 

"Please, don't murder me for any reason," Jaskier begs, not lifting his face from his hands. 

"Don't worry, you're way too unimportant to be murdered." Yen pats his arm. 

"Why am I relieved to hear that?" Jaskier moans and finally uncovers his face to look at Yen. "So, you presumably wanted to talk about Fiona before you murder me?"

"True. She has her final tests coming up before summer and she's fallen way more behind than I thought."

"Wait, wait, I thought you didn't want to murder me?" Jaskier squeaks. Yen gives him a terrifying smile. 

"Like I was saying. She has fallen behind on her studies. And I need you to tutor her, properly this time, not just helping with her homework. I will pay you of course. And a bonus if I feel she did well enough in her tests." 

"Pay me?" Jaskier asks, suddenly way more interested. He could, in theory, save the extra money towards a deposit for a place for his own, which he'll need soon if some other gig doesn't come up during the next few weeks. 

"I'll give you double what Geralt is paying you. Tripple if Fiona's grades are good enough."

The biscuit Jaskier was eating drops from his mouth. 

"Ah, shite, fuck!" he tries desperately to stop the crumbs from spreading everywhere, failing spectacularly. 

"I'm so glad we have an agreement. I'll see you around, Julian." Yen rises from her chair and before Jaskier has the chance to collect a single thought, she's already gone. 

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me in tumblr @frywen-bumbles! Come say hi!


End file.
